Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, October 7, 2017 - by Roy Exum

One of my favorite stories comes from the town square in Athens, Tn. It seems a man was sitting on a park bench one morning, reading the Daily Athenian. At the other end of the bench was a gorgeous collie dog, its leash tied to the arm of the bench while its owner went on a short errand.

Another man was walking into the courthouse and remarked how regal the colie appeared as it sat quietly. “Excuse me, sir … does your dog bite?”

The newspaper reader simply shook his head. But when the admirer reach to pet the collie’s head, the animal reacted in rage. Had it not been for the sturdy leash he would have been bitten for certain. “I thought you told me your dog doesn’t bite!”

The man with the newspaper promptly replied, “That ain’t my dog …”

Without further ado, let’s go to “The Saturday Funnies.” Understand these are not my words but some of the humor that arrives in my email every week:

* * *

BACK IN THE DAY WHEN KIDS WERE ALL “HOME-SCHOOLED”

Years ago when all the children in my neighborhood were growing up, it seemed like every mother and father had the same playbook. See if you remember any of these lessons:

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My father taught me LOGIC.

"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My father taught me IRONY.

"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9 My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.

"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"

13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. 

"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.

"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.

"You are going to get it from your father when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My father taught me HUMOR.

“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.

"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.

"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.”

25. My father taught me about JUSTICE .

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

This should only be sent to the over 60 crowd because the younger ones would not believe we truly were told these "EXACT" words by our parents…

* * *

FOUR WORMS IN THE SUNDAY SERMON

 A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol . . . Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke . . . Dead!

Third worm in chocolate syrup . . . Dead!

Fourth worm in good clean soil . . . Alive!

The Minister asked the congregation, "So, my friends? What did you learn from this demonstration?"

Maxine, sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and burst, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

That pretty much ended the service!

royexum@aol.com



Antibiotics: The Gateway To The Apocalypse

Imagine everyone you love and care about being so sick that they are begging for it to finish them off. Imagine every doctor in the world becoming completely powerless to save them. Imagine seeing the world burn right before your eyes, and wondering how many days you have left. This could very well be what the world looks like if antibiotic resistance spreads around the world.  ... (click for more)

Roy Exum: Those We All Ignore

I was in the midst of my “morning readings” the other day when a number leapt off my computer screen. Hark, heralded angels, did you know in the state of Iowa there are two (2) inpatient psychiatry beds for every 100,000 people? I’m not the best with percentages but there are some people in Iowa who aren’t getting the help they need. There are roughly 3.2 million people living in ... (click for more)

1 Killed, Another Injured In Shooting On The Southside Early Sunday Morning; Delivery Driver Carjacked On Southside Earlier

One person was killed and a second person injured in a shooting on the Southside early Sunday morning. The victims are Sharone Porter, 22, who was killed, and Torrie Porter, 24, who had non-life threatening injuries.  At 2:47 a.m., Chattanooga Police responded to 1400 Cowart St.  on a person shot. Upon arrival, Chattanooga Police found two victims suffering ... (click for more)

Bradley County Deputy Shoots And Kills Stabbing Suspect At Charleston

A Bradley County deputy shot and killed a man who was a suspect in a stabbing early Sunday morning. The Sheriff's Office said, "At approximately 11:54 p.m. on Saturday, a call was received at the Cleveland/Bradley County 911 Center to report a stabbing at a residence on Leyland Drive in Charleston. "The caller indicated a male had been stabbed and another male had fled from ... (click for more)

Lady Mocs Rally Late To Trip Florida Gulf Coast

What a difference a week makes. Coach Jim Foster was verbally upset and unhappy following a sloppy and uninspired performance by the Chattanooga Lady Mocs and the result was an embarrassing 64-44 loss to Virginia Tech. The Lady Mocs were facing another really good non-conference opponent in the Florida Gulf Coast Lady Eagles, a member of the Atlantic Sun Conference.  ... (click for more)

Commerce Wins Bradley Invitational With Four Champs

CLEVELAND, Tenn. – The host Bradley Bears were the two-time defending champs in their own Bradley Invitational this weekend at Jim Smiddy Arena, but they weren’t able to make it a three-peat. The Commerce Tigers, a powerhouse Class A team from Georgia, had a slim three-point lead going into Saturday afternoon’s medal rounds, but after winning all four of their championship matches ... (click for more)