Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, August 12, 2017 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

We’ll start this week’s Saturday funnies with an actual Facebook post by a man named Tom Nicholson, who just bought a new Corvette and is having great fun with the car.  But he got quite a start recently when a “snowflake” walked up to him and, somewhat arrogantly asked him how many people could be fed on what he paid for the car.

Tom’s reply has gone viral. (For the record, Mountain View Chevrolet has a 2018 Corvette priced on its website for $65,000 and a 2018 Z06-model Corvette for $109,915.) Here’s how Tom replied:

“I am not sure, it fed a lot of families in Bowling Green, Kentucky who built it, it fed the people who make the tires, it fed the people who made the components that went into it, it fed the people in the copper mine who mined the copper for the wires, it fed people in Decatur IL. at Caterpillar who make the trucks that haul the copper ore. It fed the trucking people who hauled it from the plant to the dealer and fed the people working at the dealership and their families. 

“But … I have to admit, I guess I really don’t know how many people it fed.

“That is the difference between capitalism and welfare mentality.  When you buy something, you put money in people’s pockets and give them dignity for their skills.  When you give someone something for nothing, you rob them of their dignity and self-worth.

“Capitalism is freely giving your money in exchange for something of value.  Socialism is taking your money against your will and shoving something down your throat that you never asked for.”

So here we go with other things I feel are funny that I gleaned from the Internet this week. Understand, I didn’t write these. I’m the one who laughed. And while no insult is ever intended, nor political position ever intended, we all love to laugh at ourselves and the human condition:

* * *

MURPHY'S OTHER 15 LAWS

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14 . God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

* * *

A GREAT SUMMARY BY A NOTRE DAME ENGINEER

Here are the 10,535 pages of Obama Care condensed to 4 simple sentences.

As humorous as it sounds.....every last word is absolutely TRUE!

1. In order to insure the uninsured, we first have to un-insure the insured.

2. Next, we require the newly un-insured to be re-insured.

 3. To re-insure the newly un-insured, they are required to pay extra charges to be re-insured.

4. The extra charges are required so that the original insured, who became un-insured, and then became re-insured, can pay enough extra so that the original un-insured can be insured, so it will be 'free-of-charge' to them.  

This, ladies and gentlemen, is called "redistribution of wealth" or, by its more common name, “SOCIALISM,” or " PROGRESSIVE", the politically correct names for COMMUNISM !

* * *

A WOUNDED VETERANS GETS A BREAK AT THE POST OFFICE

A guy goes into the Ft. Myers Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"       

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you five extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" 

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your country's service! Well, that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. 

“You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day.

"The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

 "This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our ****.  No point in you coming in for that."

* * *

TWO MATH PROFESSORS SOLVE THE 110-PERCENT RIDDLE

I'm not a mathematician, but I understand this! This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience. It has an indisputable mathematical logic.

This is a strictly from a mathematical viewpoint and it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

IF -- A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then: 

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 =  98%

And …

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 =  96%

But …

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 =  100%

And … 

B-U-L-L*

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 =  103%

AND, look how far kissing up will take you.

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7  = 118%

Therefore, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hardwork and Knowledge  will get you close, and Attitude will get you there. It’s the Bull and kissing up that will put you over the top. Now you know why Politicians are where they are!

* * *

HERE’S THE WAY SOME AMERICANS ‘WORK THE CON’

 1. Don't marry her!

2. Always use your mom's address to get your mail.

3. The guy buys a house.

4. The guy rents out house to his girlfriend with his 2 kids.

5. Section 8 will pay $900 a month for a 3 bedroom home.

6. Girlfriend signs up for Obamacare so guy doesn't have to pay for family insurance.

7. Girlfriend gets to go to college for free being a single mother

8. Girlfriend gets $600 a month for food stamps.

9. Girlfriend gets a free cell phone.

10. Girlfriend get free utilities.

11. Guy moves into home, but continues to use moms address for his mail

12. Girlfriend claims one kid and guy claims the other kid on their tax forms. Now both get to claim head of household at $1,800 credit.

13. Girlfriend gets $1,800 a month disability for being "crazy" or having a "bad back" and never has to work again.

This plan is perfectly legal and is being executed now by millions of people.  (A married couple with a stay at home mom yields $0 dollars.

An unmarried couple with stay at home mom nets $21,600 disability + $10,800 free housing + $6,000 free obamacare + $6,000 free food + $4,800 free utilities + $6,000 Pell grant money to spend + $12,000 a year in college tuition free from Pell grant + $8,800 tax benefit for being a single mother = $75,000 a year in benefits!

Any idea why the country is $18 trillion plus in debt and half the population is letting the other half pay their way?  

* * *

B.O.O.M. REPORTS SUICIDE BOMBERS ARE UNHAPPY

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-week strike on Wednesday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife.  Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday, when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death, would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54.  A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings, has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (B.O.O.M) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote.

General Secretary Abdullah Aloud Bhang told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth.”

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, an Al Qaeda executive spokesperson explained, "I sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands.  They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace.  Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife.  It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off.  I don't like cutting benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are so few virgins in those areas anyway.

According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the belief many Muslim Jihadists now know what a virgin really looks like and have reconsidered their benefit packages.         

* * *

“I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.” – Lee Trevino

* * * 

royexum@aol.com



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