Cranfield Rowell: Don't Let Snow Put You In Panic Mode; Just Build A Snowman

Friday, January 19, 2018 - by Cranfield Rowell

There are very few moments in my life where I feel it is appropriate and necessary for me to look up the assumed weather conditions for a particular day in the future. Most of the time the weather does not bother me. I do not let it deter my plans. The relationship between myself and the weather app on my phone is similar to the relationship Donald Trump has with a teleprompter. I know it can help deter me from possible unfortunate circumstances and situations but… so?

Most of my weather news comes from hearsay because, for some reason, people like to tell me the weather forecast when I mention possible plans I might have for the next day or two. I usually have no interest in forecasts, unless, a particular word is used. For Northerners, the word is not a big deal. It just means a minor inconvenience is around the corner. For Southerners, the word signifies that God has caught wind of something someone did and punishment is coming. You better go find a healthy lamb because the Southern Passover is on its way. What word is this you may ask? That word is snow.

Saying the word ‘snow’ around people in a public area is dangerous. You might be safer yelling the word ‘bomb’ on a plane. It creates panic.

I get excited when I hear about the possibility of snow. Snow has never been an issue with me. It has never been a problem. I am not sure why people act like it is such a big deal.

Snow is fascinating. It makes the world around you more beautiful, particularly nature; however, it brings out the buried fears and unhinged emotions of Southerners. That friendly soccer mom who brings the kids cookies turns into Gollum in the bread aisle of your local grocery store.

I once made the mistake of stopping by a Walmart to pick up some Lysol Wipes on the day before it was to snow. It was so crowded. The lines were full of sad or angry people. I had stepped into the DMV.

People storm every store and gas station. They need the essentials: bread, water, milk, candles, flashlights, crackers, strong sedatives.

Why do Southerners go hysterical over snow? The South rarely gets more than an inch or two of snow each season. When the snow does stick it doesn’t survive more than a day or two.

Since I rarely check my mail I assume I missed some citywide memo that was sent to every citizen. This memo most likely laid out the protocols and parameters in the event the sky covered the city in white, beautiful despair. Once again, I am left to assume. I imagine it was very direct. “You can expect to be stranded in your home for two complete days for every inch of snow we receive. If more than two inches of snow is forecast prepare to draw lots of which family member to kill and eat. (This relative must be killed humanely; senior family members are encouraged to self-sacrifice.)”

However, I do believe this is entirely what happened. If a person had received a letter like that from the government then I’d expect Donner Party behavior.

My fellow Southerners, it is just snow and ice. It is just frozen water. We live in an area where the Sun loves to gloat how bright and awesome it is. Calm down. If you believe that an inch of snow can cause a gladiator arena to form in your home or neighborhood then the problem is not the snow. The problem is with you, a problem that can be fixed with the construction of a snowman or with someone throwing a snowball at your face. Smile. It’s snowing, you weirdo.



Friends Of The Library Announce Fall Mega Book Sale Sept. 1-18

Friends of the Library announce the Semi-Annual Book Sale that will take place from Sept. 1 through Sept. 18 at Eastgate Town Center, "B" Entrance, 5600 Brainerd Road.   Monday-Saturday sale hours are 9 a.m.-6 p.m. and Sundays from noon-6 p.m.  Half price day is Saturday, Sept. 15.  Books for educators and charitable organizations are free on Bag Day, Sunday, ... (click for more)

Rotary Club Of Chattanooga Hamilton Place Hosts District 6780 Governor Jim Roxlo

The Rotary Club of Chattanooga Hamilton Place hosted District #6780 Governor Jim Roxlo as a guest speaker at a recent club meeting. "Jim shared his perspective on this year's Rotary International Theme, 'Be the Inspiration,' and the importance of our mission to take action and create lasting change," officials said. (click for more)

Authorities Say Hixson Man Shot And Killed His 15-Year-Old Son On Saturday Night; Also Killed Family Dog

Authorities said a Hixson man shot and killed his 15-year-old son on Saturday night. A report says Mike McElrath, who was found naked at a neighbor's house, also killed the family dog. County deputies responded at 10:24 p.m. to 1846 Cotter Road. The residents said there was a man on their front porch who said he was "butt naked" and said "there's blood everywhere." They ... (click for more)

Wall Collapses At Home On Bradford Place Drive

Chattanooga firefighters were dispatched to a structural collapse call shortly after  10 a.m. on Saturday .   When firefighters arrived at 307 Bradford Place Drive, a large hole could be seen on one side of the house. Battalion Chief Don Bowman said an exterior wall collapsed into the basement. There was some initial concern that an elderly resident might ... (click for more)

Harold Austin Was Hamilton County's Crown Jewel

My dear friend, longtime public servant, Mr. Harold Austin, will be greatly missed. He was with the state of Tennessee and Hamilton County for many years. Doyle Ray Marler * * * Harold Austin was Hamilton County’s crown jewel.   He was beloved by generations in municipal and state government. He knew so many involved in local, state, and federal roadway ... (click for more)

Roy Exum: 90% Can’t Do Math

Friday’s newspaper headline blared, “Hamilton County Schools see dramatic growth in student performance” and that, my friend, is “fake news” at its finest. A better try might be, “90 Percent of Kids In Chattanooga Can’t Do Math.” Let’s face it: We know that a full 70 percent of 43,000 students in our public school system are not on track, this based on state test scores, and -- ... (click for more)