Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, April 14, 2018 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

A reader from Whitwell writes in to report that this winter the 9-1-1 desk got a call from a hunter who thought his hunting buddy was dead. The dispatcher, speaking in a calm voice, told the man he would send help but to make sure his friend was really dead. As the 9-1-1 operator held on, a loud gunshot was heard over the phone before the caller resumed the conversation with “Now what?”

So here we go with another edition of the Saturday Funnies. Please know I am not the author of this wit and satire, but gather the funny stuff that comes through my e-mail to keep us happy. Here we go:

* * *

18 OF THE NEWEST LAWS ABOUT LIFE

1. LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR -- After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to go to the toilet.

2. THE LAW OF GRAVITY -- Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

3. LAW OF PROBABILITY -- The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. LAW OF RANDOM NUMBERS -- If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

5. THE VARIATION LAW -- If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

6. THE LAW OF BATH -- When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

7. LAW OF CLOSE ENCOUNTERS -- The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

8. LAW OF THE RESULT -- When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work and it will!

9. LAW OF BIOMECHANICS -- The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

10. LAW OF ANY SPORTS ERENA -- At any event, the people whose seats are farthest from the aisle, always arrive last.  They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance.  The aisle people also are very surly folk.

11. THE COFFEE LAW -- As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

12. MURPHY’S LAW OF LOCKERS -- If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

13. LAW OF PHYSICAL SURFACES -- The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

14. LAW OF LOGICAL ARGUMENT -- Anything is possible … most especially if you don't know what you are talking about.

15. LAW OF PHYSICAL APPEARANCE -- If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

16. THE LAW OF PUBLIC SPEAKING – A closed mouth gathers no feet.

17. LAW OF COMMERCIAL MARKETING STRATEGY -- As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it, or the store will stop selling it!

18. THE DOCTOR’S LAW -- If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

* * *

WHAT HAPPENED AT THE UROLOGIST’S OFFICE

Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam. Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.

The waiting room was filled with patients. As I approached the receptionist’s desk, I noticed that she was a large, unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.

I gave her my name, and in a very loud voice, she said, “YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE. YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?”

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man. But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, “NO, I’VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON’T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.”

The room erupted in applause!

* * *

WHY SOME MEN HAVE DOGS AND NOT WIVES

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:

14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

To test this notion, lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour. Then open it and see who's happy to see you!

* * *

A DYING FATHER’S DEATH-BED INSTRUCTIONS

Doug Pender lived all his life in the Florida Keys and is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, are with him.

He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:

“My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses.”

“My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments between mile markers 100 and Tavernier.”

“My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Center.”

“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bayside on Blackwater Sound.”

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slipped away, the nurse says, “Mrs. Pender, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property.”

The wife replies, “Oh, please … all he had was a paper route!”

royexum@aol.com


Leaders Like Rob Hensley Make Communities Great

I would like to express my support for one of the candidates in the race for Signal Mountain Town Council, Mr. Rob Hensley. I am not one to typically share my thoughts on politics in public, but I feel that when a community is as fortunate as ours to have such a candidate as Rob Hensley, it would be wrong not to inform folks on Signal Mountain what an asset he would be to the ... (click for more)

We Need Esther

I've made it no secret that I support Esther Helton. I've been behind her efforts to make East Ridge a better place to live by helping create - and utilizing - a more transparent city government. She's proven herself to be trustworthy and hard working. As a former Democrat myself, I understand her choosing to become an active member of the Republican Party. While Democrats talk ... (click for more)

Charles Pipkens Arrested In Series Of Violent Home Invasions

Chattanooga Police have arrested Charles Dijon Pipkens as one of the suspects in a series of violent home invasions. Pipkens, 27, of 434 N. Hickory St., is charged with two counts of aggravated kidnapping, two counts of aggravated robbery, aggravated burglary, unlawfully carrying a weapon, use of a weapon during the commission of a felony, and criminal impersonation. Police ... (click for more)

County Schools To Push Forward With Equity Effort; Magnet Schools To Get More Diversity With Lottery Change

The county schools will push forward with an equity effort that appeared to have been paused after board members Rhonda Thurman and Joe Smith in May said  they rejected the idea that county schools need to “racially and economically integrate.” An equity task force did not meet for several months and the schools did not move forward on hiring an outside consultant to help ... (click for more)

Powerful Loretto Smacks Sale Creek, 3-1, For Class 1A State Volleyball Title

MURFREESBORO, Tenn. – Loretto ruined what could have been a nice little celebration for Sale Creek on Thursday at the TSSAA Class 1A state volleyball tournament at Middle Tennessee State University. Sale Creek (40-8), appearing in their fourth tournament and the title match for the first time, were victimized by a constant offensive attack and the potent Lady Mustangs rolled ... (click for more)

Briarcrest Beats Baylor In State Volleyball

MURFREESBORO, Tenn. – Baylor and Briarcrest have played in the last three Division II, Class AA state volleyball championship matches and the Lady Saints have now won two, including Thursday’s 3-1 victory at MTSU’s Murphy Center. The Lady Saints have an outstanding team with a roster of outstanding players.   The same can be said for the Lady Red Raiders, but Briarcrest ... (click for more)