Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, May 26, 2018
Today’s edition of The Saturday Funnies is the most technical savvy, advanced, software-enhanced, and modern-day genius that I have ever delivered. I can sum it up in just one sentence: I am using a new H-P Pavilion that is the newest seventh-generation Intel Core computer and, if you want to see “real funny,” go get a new computer and try switching over your tech life on your own.
Are you kidding me? I have spent the last hour and a half trying to send this to the editor.
Today’s computer-ese will humble us old folks worse that a walking cane and, if by chance you read this on Saturday morning, suffice it to say you should believe in ‘answered prayer.’ I had some “funnies” saved up but when you change computers --- everything else changes or goes ‘poof.’ Don’t worry, I’ll find some 10-year-old who can eventually make this work, but, remember this, the greatest lesson you learn in the autumn years is how to laugh at yourself
Here are this week’s funnies:
* * *
THE NEW DONALD TRUMP POSTAGE STAMP
The US Postal Services releases a stamp with a picture of President Trump. But the new stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.
After weeks of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:
The stamp is in perfect order. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.
The fact is, people are spitting on the wrong side.
* * *
YOU CAN DRIVE YOUR KIDS CRAZY WITH THESE
Schools are out for the summr aand here are a few one-liners that will drive the cookie-crumblers crazy:
* -- What kind of bird always has a good time? A lark.
* -- Why did the girl put her bandages in the refrigerator? In case she got a cold cut.
* -- What do spies call a bad day of fishing? Fishin impossible.
* -- What do Santas helpers learn in school? The Elf-abet.
* -- Why did the moon skip desert? It was full.
* -- Why did the piece of wood think it was a king? Because it was a ruler.
* -- Who can jump higher than a 15-story building? Anyone, buildings can’t jump.
* -- What did summer say to spring? Catch me, I’m going to fall.
* -- What are two things you can never eat for breakfast? Lunch and dinner.
* -- What has 18 legs, 18 arms, and catches flies? A baseball team.
* -- What starts with "e", ends with "e", but only has one letter in it? Envelope.
* -- What loses a head in the morning, but gets it back at night? A pillow.
* -- How can you tell a dog from a tree? By their barks.
* -- What gets bigger the more you take from it? A hole.
THREE SONS ATTEND DAD’S FUNERAL
A father told his 3 sons when he sent them to the university: "I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that.
However, I want you to appreciate it. As a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die." And so it happened. His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial planner, each very successful financially. When their father’s time had come and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered his wish.
First, it was the doctor who put 10 $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased. Then, came the financial planner, who also put $1,000 there. Finally, it was the heart-broken lawyer's turn. He dipped into his pocket, took out his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash.
He later became a Congressman.
* * *
WHEN OL’ TOM THE RANCHER GOT MARRIED AGAIN
The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride.
Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.'
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could sense certain needs of a young woman could not be satisfactory handled by an eighty-year-old man.
Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course. Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. 'How's the new wife?', asked the banker. Tom proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.'
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?' Without hesitating, Tom said, 'She's pregnant too.'
Don't ever underestimate old guys!
* * *
WHEN INSULTS WERE MUCH MORE FUN THAN VULGAR WORDS
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.” Disraeli replied: “That depends, Sir, on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
"He had delusions of adequacy." -Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." -Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." -William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." -Moses Hadas
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." -Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one." -George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second . . . if there is one." -Winston Churchill, in response
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." -John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." -Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." -Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." -Paul Keating
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." -Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." -Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" -Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." -Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts . . . for support rather than illumination." -Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." -Billy Wilder
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it." -Groucho Marx
* * *
TALES YOU HEAR AROUND THE COFFEE SHOP
“I can’t take it anymore, it’s my wife. Every time we have an argument, she gets historical!” says a man to his friend.
“Don’t you mean ‘hysterical’?” asked his friend.
“No, I mean historical, every argument we have, she’ll go, ‘I still remember that time when you…’ ”
- - -
I went to the bank the other day and asked the banker to check my balance, so she pushed me!
- - -
An old man and old woman have been friends for years. Eventually, the man asks, ‘Will you marry me?’
The woman says, ‘Yes, I will.’
The next day, the man wakes up worried, he knew he’d proposed, but couldn’t remember how she’d answered. Nervously, he phones her. ‘When I asked if you would marry me, what did you say?’ The woman answers, ‘I said ‘Yes I will’ and I’m glad you called, because I couldn’t remember who’d asked me.’
- - -
Mike had a problem getting up in the morning – he was always late for work. His boss said he was on his last warning. So Mike went to his doctor who gave him some pills to take before bed. He slept well and beat the alarm in the morning by a whole hour.
When he arrived at work, he said, “Boss, the pills actually worked!”
“That’s great,” said his boss, “but where were you yesterday?
- - -
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, “Do you know him?”
“Yes,” she sighed, “he’s my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.”
“My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
- - -
A LESSON FROM THE WHITE HOUSE FENCE
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.
One is from Chicago, another is from Kentucky, and the third is from New Orleans. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The New Orleans contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $9,000. That's $4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me."
The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $7,000. That's $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me."
The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$27,000."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure? "The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$10,000 for me, $10,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Kentucky to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official.
And that, my friends, is how the Government Stimulus plan worked.
* * *

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